Monday, August 13, 2012

I'm the hero of this story, and I don't need to be saved

          Hello blogging world! I feel like it's been forever since I just blogged to blog. Well you guys can quit holding your breath because tonight is the night I change that. It is approximately 12:44 am and I am in Nampa, Idaho with my mom, dad, Heather, Shawn, Gavin, Amelia, and Linsey. I got here last Tuesday and it's been a blast since then. I leave for Dallas the 21st. We have already had lots of fun including celebrating my birthday and Amelia's blessing. More of that later though. Tonight I have something different on my mind. And that would be, well.... Me.
           I've decided that growing up is a hard thing. I think we have these kids and guide them best as we can, but we mostly just sit back and watch them make the mistakes. I have always wanted life to come with a rule book. I'm good at following rules or checking off things on a to-do list of life. Following advice or what a "authoritative figure" thinks I should do.... not so much. But that is getting off track. As I get older, I realize more and more things about myself. Tonight one of those things would be that I tend to act like the damsel in distress.
             One of my favorite movies is The Holiday. If you haven't seen it, stop what you are doing right now and go watch it. Seriously, it's great. In one of my favorite scenes in the movie one of the main characters, Iris is at dinner with a great director Arthur Abbott and they have a conversation that goes like this....
  Iris: As a matter of fact, he is... a huge schmuck. How did you know?
 Arthur Abott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
  Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
             I have always thought that this moment was a brilliant one for Iris. She has spent so much time wasted on this guy that never gave her the time of day and she finally has this amazing moment where everything is so clear. I started thinking about that tonight and realized how much wasted time I have spent on things that have never amounted to anything. Things that have never made me a better person, or friend, or sister, or daughter. Things that continue to take and never give back.
             Tonight I had an "Iris moment". I realized that this is MY life, this is My story, and I can write it however I want. I'm the hero of this story, and I don't need to be saved. I'm sick of being the damsel in distress. I'm sick of acting like the best friend. I'm sick of waiting for something to come into my life and make it better. I'm not Snow White, and no Prince is coming so I might as well get up and get to work.
              I haven't quite figured out how to be happy every day. People say that it's a decision you make in the morning. Well, that's great if that works for you, but sometimes I make the decision to wear a certain outfit and that just doesn't work out. So maybe it's something you chose over and over again throughout the day? It's something I'm working on, but it's a slow process. I'm not one of those cheery people that bubbles over with laughs, smiles, and giggles. Actually, those are the kinds of people I want to punch in the face. Repeatedly. But, I think there is something to be learned from those people. Learning to see positive things in every situation is a priceless talent. Learning to be happy no matter what your circumstances is a life long goal.
        Another life long goal of mine was to travel, but I'm not just going to Russia to teach English or travel, I'm going to find myself. I originally decided that I wanted to go because I felt like I needed to do something great while my best friend was on a mission, but it soon became much more than that. When school started and I wanted to run away from my homework Russia became a chance for me to take some time off, but still do something productive. As the year went on, my reasons for going continued to evolve. When I finally had to face the fact that med school, my life-time dream, at least for right now wasn't going to work out left me feeling like I needed to get away and needed to get away fast. Russia became a way out from everything, but as it grew closer I realized it wasn't a way out. It was merely a chance to figure out me. Going to Russia gives me the space I need truly figure me out. I will be far from family, friends, and school. I love all these things. In fact I am going to miss all these things dearly, but lately I have felt run down. I try so hard to be so perfect. Trying to be the perfect best friend, the perfect sister, the perfect missionary supporter, the perfect daughter, and the perfect student has left me feeling burnt out. I know that no one has ever asked for these things, but it's my personality to go over and beyond. Although Russia will involve a huge amount of service and time spent with the kids, I feel like it's still me time. I know that through the service I am going to grow and learn so much, that it's almost selfish that I am doing it. I want to be the girl that people look at and think "Wow she is really amazing!" Not because I'm pretty or thin (although if someone is giving those things out I want them!), but because I make the world a better place. Right now, I don't feel like I'm that girl. I might have used to be, but I've lost the girl that was out to change the world. I am going to find her, and when I do the world better be ready!
           Later on in the movie Iris's old boyfriend comes to her begging to have things back to the way they used to be. Iris starts to fall back into their life and then decides that this is not what she wants or deserves.
        Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it.
            So to all the things that have been holding me back, to all the waiting I have been doing, to all the things I have let walk over me because I was too afraid to say anything, it's over. I'm no longer the best friend who gets to go home to a life that has nothing, I'm the leading lady, and I don't need to be saved.
Until Next Time,
Just in case you need to know what it looks like when you go to rent it :)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Amelia Grace Miller & More

    So if you haven't heard my newest niece was born July 23, 2012 at 7:06 pm! She is beautiful!! I got to be in the delivery room the entire time! Heather rocked labor! I didn't think it was possible to rock such a thing, but watching her do it completely NATURAL made me decide that it is! She was born at 5 pounds 7 oz. and left the hospital under 5 pounds, but is slowly gaining weight back. She doesn't seem to be too big of an eater which is confusing because with a combination of Miller/Hodgkiss she should love to eat!! Anyways I had so much fun in Idaho with Heather, Shawn, Gavin and my mom. I did a lot of fun projects too! Here are just a few pictures to show you!
 I hand painted these! They turned out so cute, I'm still in shock!
 I also hand painted this flower pot that we used for pictures and to put in her room! P.S. Millie is her nickname!
 I also did this! It is a plate for Millie's foot prints!
 This was the first time Gavin saw Millie. Look at his face! Look at Heather's face. She is so happy! I love this picture <3
 This is a photoshoot I did for Millie. She is gorgeous!

Well....she was.....
      So this is the section of my blog where I tell you how stupid the human population is. So, if you want to still feel happy and love everyone then stop reading. If you want to know my opinion, which is only that, an opinion then keep reading. It's YOUR choice. I don't need everyone freaking out over my blog like they did with Chick-Fil-A. Speaking of that....
   This is just gotten out of hand. Like I DON'T CARE. I don't care what your thoughts are, or how right you think you are, or what he or she said. We are acting like children. Since when is it okay to disrespect everyone around you? This whole thing makes me want to delete my facebook. I have all kinds of friends. Gay ones, straight ones, liberal ones, conservative ones, religious ones, and many more. Everyone deserves an opinion, but no one deserves to be disrespected because of an opinion. I'm not talking about the owner of Chick-Fil-A. I'm talking about people that are getting in arguments about this with one another. Every time someone posts about it I am tempted to write "don't care" "don't care" "don't care" on it whether I agree or not. And this isn't about my views. I'm extremely religious, we all know how I feel. But guess what? Just because I'm religious or don't support it doesn't mean that I don't have gay friends or don't love gay people. Actually two of my best friends growing up both are gay (shout out to you guys!). And I am not one to throw my beliefs at anyone. Believe what you want, but stop spreading hate because you are so caught up in thinking that you are right to see that you are hurting people. Can I just tell you that I am SO excited to leave the country and get away from all of this, because I am! This and all the crap going on with the elections coming up. Thank goodness I'm off to Russia. At least the Olympics is on which spreads peace and love.... oh wait no it doesn't. It spreads the idea that "we are better than you". So this is what I have to say. Have you opinion, think what you want, but stop hating on everyone because they don't think the same way you do. The end. Oh and stop talking to me about it because as said above, I DON'T CARE. AND if Chick-Fil-A gets closed, I'm going to be beyond ticked. Politics aside, I love their food....
    Now on to the waiter haters.....
        Okay so let me get this straight? You think that because I am in love with someone that is not in my life every single day that that gives you the right to say rude things about him? Is that right? Okay, you are not a smart person. I am just throwing that out there. If you want to say something about my decision or about who I am in love with then just be ready for me to comment on your life, and let me tell you, I have many comments. When people say things like "You know it probably won't work out..." I want to slap them. Like duh it probably won't work out. Every girl that sends off a missionary knows the stats. We aren't dumb. Oh and taking the let me insult your missionary rode doesn't work either. It just makes me realize that you even less smart than I thought. And for your info every LDS boy that tells me I'm stupid all I think about is the girl that broke your heart, because if the wait would have gone well and you wouldn't have been "dear johned" then you would have a completely different story. It's happening. He's been gone for 14 months and nothing you say or do is going to change the reality. So go talk to someone else about how stupid their relationship is.

We're cute. How can you not love us together?

     EFY kids- Please stop acting like you are cooler than the rest of us. We actually live, work, and go to school here. We didn't pay 300 dollars to pretend that we actually went to BYU for a week. Do stupid things, be silly, have fun, and make it all you want like the rest of us do but remember it's our campus, not yours. Well actually it isn't my campus anymore. But I support all the other BYUers.
     Okay I think I have done enough of stating my opinion. Let the chips fall where they may! Now on to countdowns...
                    3 days till my birthday and parents 39 anniversary! I'm going to be 20! I feel like I should be mourning my childhood.
6 days till I move out!
7 days till I see Linsey!
20 days till I fly home to Texas!
27 days till I leave for Russia!!!
146 days till Christmas!!!
313 days till my best friend is back!
I hope that all is well with y'all!
Until Next Time,